Dear Grieving SElf

Please forgive me if I don’t always seem like I’m grieving. Sometimes, I just need to put this down because it gets unbearably heavy.

Forgive me if I laugh as I play with my son. He’s the light of my life in this darkness.

Forgive me if I spend time doing my hair and picking out the perfect outfit that flatters my postpartum body while singing happy songs. I know those things are trivial but they make me feel confident and stronger than I am.

Forgive me if I make a joke about death or grief as if this is passed already. Sometimes it just feels good to act normal.

Forgive me if I push this aside to be intimate with my husband. We need each other through this. We have to remain strong and united for the other child we have.

Forgive me if I find joy in the middle of this.

Forgive me if I pick this back up again and cry under the weight.